Oh God, Another One
by whatsamatta
Summary: Just like the title says, another fairy tale. One Princess, one Bandit, one pathetic excuse for a challenge. Sounds like a perfect fairy tale to me! Read, Review, and Spread the Word!


_**Author's Note: I know, I'm just putting out crappy one-shots, but these are all in effort to keep you folks who read my other stuff starving for more chapters. So this will go all of two ways: it will work, or it won't. I hope it works. Enjoy!**_

**Oh God, Another One**

Once upon a time, there was a magical land filled with blah, blah, blah - we all know how the stories go. There is a beautiful princess who is in desperate need of a handsome prince/knight to come and rescue her. He conveniently shows up, woos her and sweeps her off her feet. She falls in love with him and his incredibly long list of heroic deeds. She marries him, and they live happily ever after. Well, I'm sick of that story. Why do the guys get all the glory? So, this fairytale is a little . . . less conventional and more modern.

* * *

There once was a woman who was headstrong and full of life. Her father was conveniently the king of the country they lived in, but that didn't make her the princess. Truthfully, she had been in and out of the royal court so many times, no one really knew what to call her anymore, so they gave her the rightful title of. . . her name.

Lilly was everything her father hated. She was one of the most gifted assassins in his military, she never wore a dress unless _**she**_ felt like it, and she refused to marry anyone her father or anyone else in the court chose. She hated her father, and her father hated her. They were always at each others throats. They found joy in each other's misery. Her father found it especially pleasurable when it was known that Lilly suffered from insomnia.

One day, the king came up with a plan to get rid of his insolent daughter forever.

'Just marry someone and get my misery over with.' The king was pacing the throne room, while Lilly just sat and ate dinner calmly.

'No.' was all she said between bites.

'No?'

'Yes, no.'

'Well why not?'

'Because I love watching you suffer.' She looked up and smiled wickedly at him as he glared back. She then looked back down at her food when he started talking again.

'What if I struck a deal with you?' at this remark, she looked back up at him, her evil smile growing wider.

'I'm listening.'

'If someone, anyone, could cure you of your insomnia, you shall marry them and leave here forever.'

'No matter their status?'

'No matter their status.' Now it was the king who smiled wickedly while his daughter sat and thought on this for a moment.

'Not enough.' She then looked back down at her food again, but you could hear the smile on her voice.

'What do you mean it's not enough? It will get rid of you, wont it?' the king went and sat back down on his throne.

'Yes it will, but you must do something more.'

'What else could I do to make you leave?' the king was becoming frustrated, and it was heard on his voice. Lilly looked up at him with a glare as cold as ice and a wickedly evil smile growing on the side of her face.

'You must not only promise my hand. You must pay the winner half of your treasury and give him half your land and . . .well, how about we say you just give him half of everything you own.' The smile was all across her face now, as her father's jaw was hanging open.

'I will do no such thing.' He said flatly, almost as if he were to throw a tantrum right then and there.

'Then I won't marry.' Lilly was getting up to leave when her father stopped her.

'Why do you ask for so much, daughter?' Lilly turned and looked at him as she began to answer.

'Because I love to see you suffer. Do you agree to my terms?' the king was looking rather angry.

So it was proclaimed throughout many lands that the first man, no matter his status, who could help the princess fall asleep was to marry her, and be rewarded with half of all the kings plunder. Many came from far and wide, to test their skills against the demon that deprived the beautiful woman from her sleep. Some tried lullabies, some spells. One man even tried going after her with a large rock, saying 'If I knock her out, she will sleep.' The kingdom had a good laugh with that poor fool. But no, it was none of them that gained control over half the king's world. It was a man no more than a common thief. And this is what happened.

'My lord, Sir Cornwellus of -'

'I don't care where he's from. If he can cure my daughter and take her from me, I'll call him a saint.' The king cut off the announcer, and had the court laughing either from stupidity or fear of the king.

A man dressed in bright, neon green pants, and dark purple shirt, and a puky chartreuse green cloak approached, and made everyone who saw him nearly nauseous from his outfit. He made a giant swooping motion into one can only guess to be a bow in front of the king, and ran up to Lilly.

'My lady, many tales of your beauty have reached mine ears, but it is clear they do you no justice. I must ask, did it hurt.' He took her hand a kissed it, making a loud smacking noise, and then tried to seduce her with old pick up lines.

'I'm almost afraid to ask but, did what hurt?' Lilly was trying to be polite, but it was obvious she was uncomfortable. The king was loving every minute of this.

'Why, when you fell out of heaven, of course. Because surely you are an angel of God, sent down to us from heaven to grace us with your presence.' He made a move to kiss her hand a gain, but she quickly pulled her hand away, causing him to kiss his own hand.

'Alright, well. Good Sir Cornwellus, if you would be so kind as to try and help me get some sleep.'

'Ah, right you are. Quite right, quite right.' He began to fumble in his cloak, and pulled out a bottle with dark green, algae looking liquid in it.

'Drink this before you go to bed tonight and tell me how you slept come tomorrow morning.' He then performed another one of those bow things, swung his cloak over his should, and turned and began leaving the room, exposing his rather large . . . hind quarters. Everyone in the court room started laughing again, as the announcer approached and stood by the throne.

'That was the last of the suitors, your -' Once again the man was cut off, but this time it was not the king. A man was standing at the doors, dressed like a musketeer, only the colors were dark green and dark blue; armed with a bow and quiver full of arrows.

'I am here to claim the hand of your daughter, Sire.' The man strut up to the king and Lilly, and gave an elegant but clumsy bow.

'And you sir, are?' The king was leaning back in his throne. He truly wanted the other man to win.

'I am, oh, now that you mention it, I've changed my mind. Your daughter is a hideous ogre, a she-witch. She is, for lack of a better word, hideous.' The man looked at Lilly and smiled, knowing that she could read the laughter in his voice and on his face.

'Well, you sir, are no prince charming. Give us your name, so I may know what to write on your headstone.' She too, began to laugh, and the king just looked at them as if they were insane.

'Tell me who you are, or so help me I'll –'

'I am Matthias of Snipperitz.'

'Snipperitz, you say? I must admit, I have never heard of it.' the king was astounded that this stranger was from a place he had not been too.

'That's because it doesn't exist yet. That is what I am going to call the land that I win when I marry your daughter and receive half of everything you own.' Matthias bowed once again to the king.

'What exactly is your profession, Sir?' The king did not like this man the more he got to know him. Lilly enjoyed him greatly.

'What should my profession matter? The proclamation said that my status was unimportant. And if I am to receive half of what you own, it should not matter what I make now.' Matthias was just like Lilly. They were both cunning and devious, and they both loved to see the king sweat.

'If you do not tell me what your profession is, I shall have you removed from this room, and thrown out of my kingdom.' The king was becoming furious.

'I am a brigand, proud to say.' Over half the court had not the faintest idea what a brigand was, but the King and Lilly knew. The king stood up, and Lilly laughed.

'I will not allow a bandit to enter my halls and ask to marry my daughter!'

'Father. You said the status didn't matter. I thought you wanted to get rid of me. What better way then to a bandit? Anyway, what harm could it do? How could he win? Come forth, good bandit, and give me what is required to help me sleep.' Matthias approached Lilly as the king just sat down and fumed.

'All that is required, good princess, is a little faith, and this.' And he leaned forward and kissed her. At this the king stood and ordered that he be removed from the court. He was thrown out and Lilly was ordered to go to her chambers and make ready for bed. For once, she went without complaint.

Two days later, an assembly was called by the king, and Matthias and Cornwellus were summoned as special guests, as they were the last two to give the princess something. Once everyone was listening, the king turned to his daughter and she arose.

'Sir Cornwellus, I thank you for the tonic you have given me to help me sleep.' Lilly walked over to the man who was now wearing lavender pants, a sickening yellow colored cloak, but it appeared that he had no shirt on. His chest was pasty looking and covered with hair. Lilly handed him the vile with as little contact as necessary.

'It worked then?' he began to smile, reveling yellow stained and rotten teeth.

'Unfortunately, it did not. I was up all night trying to open the bottle, and by the time it was open, the day had begun and I had lost another night's sleep.' Matthias smiled as the Lord looked down, and began to try and open the vial.

'And you, Sir Matthias-' before she could finish, he cut her off.

'Let me guess. You were so sickened by the thought of my kiss that you were up all night, washing out your mouth with soap, and cleansing your mind of the thought.' He smiled at himself and looked down.

'Actually, quite the opposite. I thought of your advice, and believed that I could fall asleep, and the next thing I knew I was waking up after a restful night's sleep.' The court started to cheer as Lilly smiled, and gave him the sweetest church kiss anyone would not have expected from her. The king would have none of that, though. He stood up and called the room to silence.

'I will not have this. Not at all.' He was banging his staff on the marble floor and shouting his rage at anyone and everyone, especially his spiteful daughter and the thief who was going to take half of everything he owned.

'Father, of all the things to go back on, this one I wont allow. I will not end up like my mother, neglected and alone after three children, one of which survived. Left alone to death with her misery, while you were off with one of your many whores!' Lilly shouted at her father, and then looked at Matthias. He saw in her eyes laughter, as her father approached them from behind, pulling out his sword. Matthias felt Lilly reach up and grab his bow and one of his arrows. Before anyone knew anything, there was a twang of a bow, the swish of an arrow, and the thud of metal into wood. Everyone looked at the throne, where the king was pinned to the back of the chair, an arrow through his heart and out the back. All eyes went to Lilly, who was holding a bow and smiling at her now indisposed father, who she hated above all others.

And as they stood there, Lilly looked up at Matthias and said to him. 'You know, having someone cure me of my insomnia was too easy.'

'Was it now?' Matthias looked down on her and began to smile.

'Yes, it was. I should have had the challenge be something difficult like 'The first man to survive being maimed by rabid dogs,' or 'The first man to survive childbirth.' Now _**that**_ would be challenging.' The two laughed as the court began to approach the corpse of the tyrant king. They would gaze upon him and wonder, 'Did he really hate his daughter so much?' or 'He finally got what he deserved.' One man went so far as to boldly think, 'He had whores? I should become king.' Yet as all these questions passed through all these minds, no one seemed to notice that upon his face, a wicked smile began to curl on the once so proud lips. Was it just a muscle spasm? Or was the king having one last laugh at his daughter, and inevitably, at his own death?

All bowed before the new king and queen, who now owned all of Lilly's father's plunder, not just half. It turned out to be a good thing that she was the best assassin in the military after all. After the day she killed her father, Lilly had never been happier, freer. . . or richer for that matter.


End file.
